Who is the Premier League’s master of the dark arts? Which player is the most one-footed?

The season is almost over. Clubs with birds on their badges won all the domestic trophies and another one in Tottenham lifted the Europa League. Trust Chelsea to spoil the symmetry of it all.

With just the Champions League left to be decided – no birds there either – it is time to hand out my alternative end-of-season awards.

Who is the Premier League’s quickest player and who’s the slowest? Which player can only score with one foot? Who can’t hit a barn door with a banjo and which future Manchester United player walks more than he runs?

The winners are…

It was a season for clubs with birds on their badges as Liverpool won the Premier League

Tottenham ended their 17-year trophy drought – but who comes out on top in The Sharpe End of Season Awards?

The Hare And The Tortoise Award – Micky van de Ven and Adam Lallana

It’s always fun to see which players were the Premier Leaguespeed demons and who were the slow coaches.

Tottenham defender Micky van de Ven clocked the highest top speed of any player this season at 23.1mph, just ahead ofMan City’s Matheus Nunes and Nottingham Forest’s Anthony Elangaat 22.8mph.

Elanga set his top speed in the game againstManchester United where he raced 85 metres in nine seconds to score one of the goals of the season.

Shuffling along at the rear is Adam Lallana who reached a top speed of just 17.2mph. Well, he is 37.

Tottenham Hotspur defender Micky van de Ven is the quickest player in the Premier League

Adam Lallana (R) clocked the slowest top speed in the Premier League this season

Better Late Than Never Award – Mo Salah

Mo Salah’s 29 league goals not only ensured Liverpool’s 20th league title but also that he took home the Premier League Golden Boot for a fourth time. He didn’t half leave it late, though.

Nineteen of his goals came after the hour mark with a league-high eight of them in the final 15 minutes, just like his 84th-minute equaliser against Crystal Palace on the final day.

Salah’s 22 goals in the second half alone matched Erling Haaland’s tally for the season and was just one fewer than Golden Boot runner-up Alexander Isak.

Haaland, on the other hand, prefers to fly out the blocks. Twelve of his strikes came in the first half an hour of matches with six of them in the opening 15 minutes. He only scored two in the closing quarter of an hour.

Mo Salah scored 29 goals for Liverpool in the league this season to win a fourth Golden Boot

Mo Salah’s late equaliser against Crystal Palace was his eighth goal in the last 15 minutes

The Other Leg Is For Standing Award – Cole Palmer

Cole Palmer scored 15 goals this season – ALL of them with his left foot.

The next closest players to score all their goals with the same foot were Bruno Fernandes, Eberechi Eze and Jacob Murphy, who all scored eight goals each with their right.

A word, too, for Virgil van Dijk, Gabriel and new Real Madrid signing Dean Huijsen who scored three goals each…all with their heads.

Cole Palmer has scored all 15 goals this season for Chelsea with his left foot

Cole Palmer celebrates after scoring for Chelsea in the Premier League this season

Lionel Messi Walking Around Award – Matheus Cunha

Throughout the 2022 World Cup, no player walked further during games than Lionel Messi before producing his usual moments of magic.

How Manchester United will hope their impending signing Matheus Cunha can do the same. No player spent more of their time walking in the Premier League this season than the Wolves forward as he meandered around before picking up the ball on his way to 21 league goals and assists. No player scored more goals from outside the box that Cunha’s five stunners.

Just behind him in the walking stakes is Virgil van Dijk, who proves that reading the game, is far more important that chasing after it.

Matheus Cunha walked the most of any player in the Premier League this season

Master Of The Dark Arts Award – Dominic Solanke

Tottenham striker Dominic Solanke was key to Ange Postecoglou’s high-energy style, making more pressures in the final third than any other player, but he was also key in stopping opposition attacks…and getting away with it.

Solanke committed 36 fouls without being shown a yellow card for any of them, the most in the league this season. Compare that to poor Newcastle defender Dan Burn, who only committed 34 fouls but got booked 11 times and Arsenal youngster Myles-Lewis Skelly who made 11 fouls and got sent off twice!

Safe Hands Award – Jordan Pickford

Forget the Golden Glove, shared between David Raya and Matz Sels for their 13 clean sheets apiece, this award goes to the man whose saves prevented the most goals.

Data giants Opta measure the power and placement of a shot to assess how likely it is of finding the net and, therefore, whether a goalkeeper should be expected to keep it out. Was it ‘bread and butter’ for the keeper or did he have ‘no right’ to save it?

No goalkeeper this season prevented more goals than Everton and England’s No1 Jordan Pickford, keeping out six more than he ‘should’ have done, ahead of Ederson and fellow England international Dean Henderson.

A special mention, meanwhile, for Leicester goalkeeper Danny Ward, who sits second-worst for goals prevented across the ENTIRE campaign despite only playing a game and a half. He conceded six goals and, according to the data, should have kept three of them out.

Everton goalkeeper Jordan Pickford prevented more goals than any other keeper this season

Barn Door Meets Banjo Award – Raheem Sterling

For the first season since 2011-12, when he played just 27 minutes as a 17-year-old, Raheem Sterling ended the campaign without a league goal. He didn’t even have a shot on target.

Sterling had the most shots of any player without any of them finding the target, missing the goal with all 11 of his attempts, either blazed wide or driven into oncoming traffic.

Will Hughes can count himself lucky. Had he not found the target for the only time with the first of his 22 shots of the season, he’d have been going home with this award.

Poor Jesper Lindstrom at Everton, though. He had 28 shots, got 10 of them on target, but still didn’t manage to find the net – the most of any player.

Raheem Sterling has struggled in front of goal this season on loan at Arsenal

Raheem Sterling failed to find the target with any of his 11 shots in the league this season

Why Do I Bother Award – Lucas Paqueta

It’s been a difficult season for West Ham forward Lucas Paqueta for many reasons, on and off the pitch, but no wonder he got so frustrated when he created the most chances of any player this season without ending the campaign with an assist.

Paqueta created 36 of them but his West Ham team-mates failed to finish off a single one. Newcastle’s Jacob Murphy, meanwhile, created 42 chances and ended up with 12 assists, the second highest in the division.

Oh, to have some ruthless finishers by your side.

Lucas Paqueta created 36 chances for his West Ham team-mates but they didn’t score any

Lucas Paqueta has been let down by his West Ham team-mates this season

Am I Invisible Award – Chido Obi

It must be so frustrating when you spot a gap in the defence, bust a gut to make a run, only for none of your team-mates to pass you the ball.

Spare a thought, then, for 17-year-old Manchester United forward Chido Obi who made 61 off-the-ball runs for only seven of them to be targeted by a team-mate, the lowest percentage of any player to have made as many runs as he did. Poor lad.

Some of those runs would have been to draw defenders and create space for a fellow United player to do receive the ball and do nothing with it but, come on, give the lad a chance.

Thou Shalt Not Pass Award – Tyrone Mings

One of the most peddled statistics in recent times is the one from the 2018-19 season in which Virgil van Dijk went the entire campaign without a player dribbling past him.

What was so impressive about that was Van Dijk started all 38 games for Liverpool. No player since has managed that level of perfection.

David Luiz played 20 games, starting 17, for Arsenal in 2020-21 without being dribbled past.

This season, the outfielder to play the most minutes without anyone going past him was…Aston Villa’s Tyrone Mings. The centre-back played 14 games, starting 12, and helped Villa to nine wins without anyone flying by.