You know when I bitched and moaned earlier this week that there were no more holidays between now and Labor Day?
Well, shame on me, because I forgot one of the best days of the entire calendar season. And lucky for you, it’s going on right now!
Happy 7/11 day to all who celebrate! That’s right. I know society doesn’t appreciate a 7/11 Slurpee like we once did, which is a bummer, but you know what we do appreciate? Free stuff, especially in Joe’s economy. And that’s exactly what you get today at your local 7/11.
Ever been to a 7/11 on July 11th? It’s chaos. Anarchy. The Wild Wild West. You walk in, and it’s just a mess. Tiny Slurpee cups scattered all over the place. Slurpee goop on the floor. Line out the door. People are sweaty because it’s a billion degrees outside. The best.
I say make a day out of it. Go up and down your little town and hit every single 7/11 in a 30-mile radius. There will be a dozen of ’em. Maybe two dozen. Get a free Slurpee at every single location and enjoy one of the few precious gifts we still get in this world. You are welcome!
On that note, welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps – the one where we swim among the sharks with Kayla Simmons, the World’s Sexiest Volleyballer, and hope to God we come out alive. Strap in.
What else? I’ve got a soccer gal going viral last night who has been correctly ID’d by great Americans, Project 2025 (my version, of course), a firehose of content from the Sanders Boys at Big 12 media day, and Sofia Vergara checking in with triple-digit heat on her 52nd birthday.
Whew. What a lineup! Dog days of summer my ass!
Grab you a nip of Fireball on the way out the door, head to your nearest 7/11, grab a Coke Slurpee, mix it all together, and then settle in for a Thursday ‘Cap.
Here’s the real Project 2025, dummies
I could’ve started in a million different places today, but this Project 2025 stuff has GOT to stop. Look, we get it, Dems. We know. To the Biden team, we know. We hear you.
The polls are just awful. Joe is holding you hostage. You can’t replace him with the VP, because she may be worse – if that’s possible.
So, you’re stuck. Rock and a hard place, am I right? What’s the next (final?) page of the playbook? Throw a Hail Mary with two seconds left and see if you can, A) draw a phantom pass interference, or B) get lucky on a tipped ball.
Anybody who has a social media account – namely Twitter – knows by now what their Hail Mary is … it’s Project 2025.
They will not stop talking about this Project 25. They’re obsessed with it, which is weird because they didn’t give a shit about it two weeks ago. But now that Biden is tanking and Trump is surging, it’s clearly all-hands-on-deck in terms of Project 25.
The Biden team even CREATED AN ENTIRE WEBSITE OVERNIGHT to really sound the alarm:
I mean, they’re nuts. Batshit crazy. This is their big push. Something called Project 2025, which nobody cares about. It’s a rumored 920-page (!!!!!!!) plan put together by Trump allies to basically take over America.
Trump himself has already distanced himself from it (for whatever that’s worth), but you can look it up on your own time. I don’t have the energy to go over it today.
You remember the scene from The Office when Michael tells all the angry shareholders that he has a 45-step plan to save Dunder Mifflin? That’s basically Project 25.
Anyway, it’s all stupid and so obvious, but this is what happens when a team shits itself in the final two minutes and has to lob up Hail Marys. Oh well.
For those who want an actual plan that’s worth getting behind, I present you with this:
Some Project 2025 additions, for those who want to write me in this November
I mean, it’s almost perfect, right? Makes me so proud to be an American. Hey, Joe – you want to win over voters? Maybe focus more on these issues.
Subway prices are outrageous at this point, and it’s not even that good. We only went because of the $5 footlong. Bring it back.
McRibs year round? Hell yes.
CD players back in cars? I have one in my 2013 F-150. You wanna know who it is? George Jones. Take that, libs.
Blockbuster will, one day, be back. I’ll die on that hill. I have a million-dollar idea that involves a Blockbuster that I’ve had in my holster for about five years now. Can’t wait to unleash it.
The SI one speaks for itself.
Middle car seat with no seatbelts? Amen. You wanna feel alive again, bring those bad boys back. And make the damn thing smell like you just ripped 12 darts and dumped the ashes straight into the air vents.
I’d also add:
- Eliminate Amazon and completely revitalize shopping malls, starting with Sears.
- No more stage breaks in NASCAR.
- Myspace is the only social media platform allowed in the US.
- All Americans are issued a Palm Pilot. iPhones discontinued.
- No more streaming. If you wanna watch something, you better get your ass in front of the TV when it comes on.
- Every American household comes equipped with those electric can openers that are mounted to the wall.
- Internet porn is outlawed. If you want it, you have to hope the antenna is perfectly positioned that night to get you grainy footage of the Playboy channel.
- Tobacco use is once again allowed – and encouraged – at all Moose lodges around the country.
- Pete Rose immediately gets into the HOF.
- Bring back the Redskins and Indians, make the chop permanent in every stadium.
- Start showing boobs again in PG-13 movies.
World’s Sexiest Volleyballer Kayla Simmons is ready for shark week
No, you’re not getting the shower scene. Or the gym scene. I’m sorry. Honestly, though, go watch them for yourselves sometime today, because boy, do they hold up.
What a movie. You won’t laugh harder at anything else, and if you don’t laugh, you’re clearly in the wrong class.
Anyway, those are just a couple of my suggestions. I’m sure I could think of others, but we’re at nearly 1100 words at this point and we haven’t gotten to any hot girls yet. That’s on me. I’m sorry.
Happy shark week!
Discussing hotels, Colorado memes & viral soccer girl
Whew. That’s better. In my Project 2025, Kayla Simmons is also VP. Get those votes in, folks! Happy shark week to all who celebrate. I’m more of a Slurpee guy, but to each their own.
OK, rapid-fire time because I’ve got a lawn to mow. First up? While I’m just chock-full of opinions today (it is my class, after all), myself and Matt Reigle had a pretty frank discussion about hotels this morning on Elon’s Twitter:
I feel like Matt and I are almost always in lock-step on things, and that was no more evident than today. Are we weirdos here, or do y’all share the same general sentiments? I really do love hotels. We have a couple in our downtown, and I LOVE drinking in their lobby bars/restaurants. There’s nothing like it.
Next? Credit to America/the world for quickly identifying this chick who stole hearts across the planet last night:
Welcome to class, Jolie Sharpe! On to Berlin! Give ‘em hell (I have no clue what any of that means, I can’t do soccer).
Finally, before we celebrate 52 with Sofia Vergara, let’s quickly check in on a big day of media days yesterday – starting with Deion Sanders U. in the afternoon and ending with a jam-packed Pac-2 session at night.
Happy birthday, Sofia Vergara!
Honestly, I’m so glad the Sanders boys are BACK. Absolute content machines out in Boulder. Look, I don’t think Shedeur is completely wrong here, because teams do genuinely like beating the piss out of Colorado.
Remember Dan Lanning last year at halftime when Oregon was stomping on Colorado’s throat? Guy was out for blood. And he got it. Teams love destroying them.
On the other hand … teams just constantly destroy them. They won four games last year. Four! The Chiefs are NFL teams’ Super Bowl. The Patriots used to be. Alabama and Georgia are in today’s college football.
Colorado? Eh. Do love the #content, though.
PS: I respect the HELL out of the Pac-12 still holding a media day. Hilarious. Lean into the skid!
OK, that’s all for today. What a class. Happy birthday, Sofia Vergara. Ya don’t look a day over 30.
See you tomorrow.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Would you vote for my Project 2025? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.